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Controlled Drinking


The meeting was called to order at 7:30 sharp by the President of the Ostrich Society in the usual meeting place with the usual members in attendance. There was business that needed to be disposed of and for the first time in months there was no motion from the floor to dispense with the usual order of business and get straight to a discussion of the up-coming trip to fish camp at Warlo’s Creek.

It had come to the attention of the President that a couple of new members had been complaining about the drinking habits of the Society and being from a younger generation, they thought it was time for the “old timers” to clean up their act and make the Society more in tune with the times.

Rumors being faster than lightning, it wasn’t long before the word got out to the “old timers” and still being in the majority, they decided to nip this insurrection in the bud. So after a few phone calls, it was decided that the issue should be put to rest and a resolution be made part of the by-laws.

The President spoke first and directed Harold, leader of the “youngsters” as they were called to make their case. Harold, a manager at the local phone company said the Society was becoming the laughing stock of the community because of their out of touch attitude about alcohol. It was pointed out to him by his wife who heard it from a friend of a neighbor’s wife who was told by a member of the sanitation crew that picked up garbage the day after a Society meeting, that there were more bourbon bottles in the trash in front of the President’s house than in the trash of the local bar. In short, it was embarrassing to him, being a member of the Society and all.

He went on to say, after talking to other members, he discovered he wasn’t alone in his thoughts so they came up with the following resolution:

Be it resolved that any drinks poured at a Society function be poured by a person designated as bartender and all drinks would be of the same size and amount. No member shall be allowed to consume any amount of alcohol in a single drink greater than “two fingers” in volume in a designated glass.

Thinking about the situation, Jake Johnston, one of the founding members of the Society, spoke up endorsing the resolution and adding that the bartender should be an elected position. Harold and his supporters were stunned but agreed.

The President struck the gavel on the workbench and asked for a show of hands of all in support. It was unanimous. He then asked if there were any nominations for position of bartender and Jake nominated Oleg Johansson who sheepishly accepted the nomination and was elected before Harold or his friends had a chance to think about what just happened.

Oleg took his place behind the makeshift bar and began performing his duties of pouring out glasses of bourbon, two fingers worth at a time.

Now Bill spoke up and made a motion to dispense with any other business and get straight to planning the trout opener trip to Warlo’s Creek. The motion was seconded and approved and discussion was had about what flies to tie in preparation and who was making the trip.

Vises broke out and Hendricksons (duns and spinners) were tied along with blue wing olives and several attractor patterns. Several new patterns were discussed and tied with new material and two hours later there were several dozen flies piled on the table.

Oleg had been too busy being bartender to tie his own so Jake made up an assortment for him and thanked him for his service. All applauded in agreement.

By the end of the night there were two more empty bottles of bourbon in the trash than normal which didn’t go un-noticed by Harold. But how could that be? Members weren’t pouring their own drinks anymore, there should have only been half the amount of empty bottles there were in the past.

Just then Oleg came over to shake Harold’s hand thanking him for his vote for the new Ostrich Society Board Position. When Oleg wrapped his hand around Harold’s, Harold pulled back in pain as this mound of muscle enveloped his hand and squeezed leaving only a wrist to be seen sticking out from Oleg’s grip.

Jake, Bill, the President and the other “old timers” laughed uncontrollably. Someone finally spoke up thanking Harold for his good idea of getting a controlled pour of two fingers per drink. “By the way, did you know Oleg was a lumberjack in Wisconsin and was known as having the biggest hands in Dorr County?”

The meeting was adjourned at 11:48 pm and these minutes are respectfully submitted as THE TRUTH, WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH……give or take a lie or two!


Controlled Drinking

  1. Ken Nutter says:

    Two thumbs up!

  2. John Beach says:

    Great Article, Love it!

    1. admin says:

      Thanks John,

      I think I saw you at the meeting.

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